


Tattoos

by RebelWithHeartofGold



Series: Dean doesn't speak [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: 12x23 coda, But implied Sam/Eileen in beginning, Dean doesn't speak, He can't, I miss Eileen, M/M, So does Sam, This is mainly Dean/Cas, coda 12x23, it hurts, season 12 episode 23
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-04
Updated: 2017-08-04
Packaged: 2018-12-11 01:55:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11704383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RebelWithHeartofGold/pseuds/RebelWithHeartofGold
Summary: Sam got a tattoo in remembrance to Eileen.





	Tattoos

**Author's Note:**

> Sam got a tattoo in remembrance to Eileen.

Sam remembers when he got the tattoo the Celtic symbol for Eileen symbolizing courage and strength. He almost cried while it was being done and it wasn't because of the pain. He got it as a remembrance for Eileen and it hurts thinking about her almost as much as it hurts thinking about Jess. What could've been as what would've been. It hurts for him to think about their absences and what could've happened if Eileen was still here or if Jess was still here. 

Eileen was an unstoppable force and with her witty remarks and amazing skills, it was hard not to fall for her. She was something special and Sam wishes they had more time, more time to maybe be something. He would never know now.

It hurts when he thinks about her. It hurts always when he thinks about the way she died. It's only been a couple of months and it still pains him to think about it. 

Sometimes he cries thinking about her and all the moments they've had and how he wishes he had more. He touches the tattoo as a comfort at times when he feels the worst. 

Sometimes he stays in his room for hours thinking of the lives they've lost and the people they've been close with. 

He doesn't tell Dean of the tattoo he's gotten. He knows Dean is still devastated and in pain from Cas' death. It's been eight months since he's been gone, but it feels like yesterday. He lost his best friend that night, but he knows it's different with Dean. Cas and Sam's friendship was never like Cas and Dean's, theirs was much more deeper. More profound. 

He would sometimes find himself in Cas' old room and sit on the bed. He would whisper with tears streaming down his face that he misses him as well. He would look around his room and open the closet to see there are no clothes and let out a painful laugh because it's so Cas.

He knows Dean is not okay, it's too fresh of a wound for Sam to ask and he knows Dean wouldn't answer him. He doesn't answer him for anything anymore. 

He sees the emptiness and hollowness in Dean's eyes when he looks at him. Dean still doesn't speak only nodding or grunting. He hasn't heard his brother's voice in months since Cas' last day, since he heard Dean scream no when he already saw the blade going through Cas' chest. Whenever he looks at Dean, he sees the devastation in his eyes and it makes his heart ache seeing his brother in so much pain. Dean doesn't like when Sam stares, it's almost as if he knows Sam can see right through him. Dean always looks away when Sam looks at him for too long. 

Dean doesn't do anything anymore like he used to. He hasn't heard his laughter in a long time nor has he seen him smile. He rarely gets out of his room and when he does eat it's only for coffee or maybe a few bites. Most days he leaves just to visit Cas. He sometimes stays there for hours and once Dean stayed there for a whole day. He feels like he lost his brother and he's been gone for a while.

The day Cas died is the day Dean died as well.

He decides after a couple of weeks to mention to Dean he's gotten the tattoo. He shows it to him and explains why he got it and what it symbolizes. He sees Dean lift his lips up a bit like a small smile with sympathy with tears in his eyes. It's not a smile but it's something. He looks at Dean and feels the raw emotion that is radiating off him. Sam looks at him with a sad smile and Dean turns away quickly trying to mask his emotions. But Sam has seen already. Dean nods towards him and gets up and shuts his room door. 

Dean doesn't leave his room for the rest of the day. 

Sometimes Sam is worried for Dean. He fears he will remain this empty shell of a man. He knows Cas wouldn't want that and he knows Dean knows Cas wouldn't that. But he doesn't push Dean. Dean is mourning, he lost someone he deeply loves and he needs to mourn and grieve over them. 

A few weeks later, he decides to help Dean with cleaning the impala since he hasn't been taking care of her for a while. Sam thinks it's a good thing Dean is doing something besides staying in his room and visiting Cas. As they are washing her, he notices something in the corner of his eye and looks as Dean's shirt rolls up there are Enochian symbols on his hip. He almost cries and feels an ache in his chest. He smiled sadly and held his tears. 

After they were done, Dean went into his room and Sam grabbed the book of Angels. He looked through the pages and looked for the symbols. When he found it, a few tears streamed down his face and landed in the book. He noticed some of the pages have wet patches on them, seems to be recent. Proving Dean looked through this book probably late at night to look at the meanings and symbols. He shuts the book and places his hands on his face.

"Oh Dean," he whispers, his voice hoarse. 

He knows Dean will never be okay. 

The Enochian symbols Dean has gotten was Castiel's name, love, courage, and strength. 

Dean will always have a hole in his chest where Cas once was and it'll never be filled.

**Author's Note:**

> Its based off of a tumblr mini mini coda I saw and decided to add on to it. Its on thestoryinsideme.tumblr.com account and you'll find it there. If you want to check out my tumblr it's  
> http://rebelwithheartofgold.tumblr.com
> 
> Sad stories keep coming to me and I just keep adding. When Cas comes back in season 13, I dont know if I'm still going to write these. I don't think so. Anyways, enjoy and thank you so much for the kudos from the last chapters. Appreciate it. It actually got deleted and I had to rewrite the whole thing from memory and I have horrible memory so it was hard, so sorry if it sucks.
> 
> Thank you for reading!!


End file.
